GOD AND HIS PEOPLE [years ago but things turned out differently]

Taxi! taxi!

Yes sir; where to?

Parliament.

Oh right o sir.

Here we are, that will be $20.

O no I left my wallet at home. Do not worry I am the prime minister of Australia and I am good for a loan.

Stay in the taxi sir; I will look after you.

Where are you taking me driver?

Sir you are ok now. I have read up on these things; I know what you need.

Need what?

Here we are, that was a short journey, thank goodness. Out you get sir.

Now, who do we have here?

I am John Howard the prime minister.

Wait over there please.

Are there any bags driver.

None at all nurse.

Leave it to us, here’s a taxi chit for your trouble.

John, ok follow me.

Where are we?

In safe hands.

There’s a cup of tea on in the lounge at the moment, come and I will introduce you to the other’s.

Boy’s and girl’s meet John the prime minister. Say hello then.

Hello John my name is Edward and I am Napoleon.

Hello John my name is Gloria and I am Madonna.

Hello John my name is Downer and I am the foreign affairs minister.

Hello John my name is Karl and I am the commissioner of police.

Look leave the rest of the introductions until later ok.

Yes nurse.

Psss John; Come over here.

Hello Downer buddy.

Why are you here Downer?

Talk less loudly John.

Why Downer?

Bugs.

This place looks clean enough to me.

Drrr John.

Never mind just speak softly because I say so.

Ok ok if you say.

Hey Madonna give us a song.

Stop your cheek John.

Yes nurse.

Medication everyone.

Uuuuur; who has medication?

We do John.

Do you mean me too.

Of course John.

But I am the prime minister I am not crazy.

So we all say.

Speak up for me Karl; you are the police commissioner.

I spoke up for Downer last week. What happens? I was sent to lock up for three days.

Boy’s and girl’s we have a new patient. Meet Lester.

Who are you Lester?

Hello everyone. I do not know who I am.

Well sit down. Tea is on.

Hello Lester my name is John, I am the PM.

Hello John, I am Lester, I am ummmm I ammmm. Oh gosh I am umm I am who I am, I am me.

Ok Lester that’s ok you are like the unknown god as they say.

I am no god.

I am me.

Ok ok Lester.

Lester meet the police commissioner, Karl.

Hello Karl.

Hello Lester.

I am Downer Lester, hi.

Hi.

What is the Government doing in the hospital?

We have not a clue Lester.

Henry come here.

Yer.

Sit down Henry.

What is it worth to me?

Look Henry can you help us. Do you know any corrupt nurse.

Why?

I want to make a call to my chief of staff in Canberra.

Jarvis is corrupt, he’s on the take. He has gambling debts.

How much Henry?

For you John and since you are the PM $50.

$50 that is highway robbery.

Nurse nurse.

Ok ok, what is it Henry? Problems.

It’s ok nurse I owe Henry some money and I am just about to give it to him. Sure Henry I will pay you now.

Is it ok Henry.

Yes nurse it seems the problem has solved itself.

Good, then no more trouble. Keep your voices down everybody.

Come on money on the table everyone.

Karl out with it, empty your pockets. You too Downer.

One for all, all for one. You in Lester.

Sure, I got $10.

You sure are in. Come on you two, cough up.

But I wanted to buy sweets from the tuck shop.

Downer stop it, you just do not get it.

I will turn my back and there had better be $50 on the table.

Counting to 10.

Let’s see. See why I am PM I get results. Yes that’s the full amount.

Henry Henry.

Yer.

$50 smackers.

Ok I will take care of it. Be back in five minutes.

John.

Yes Karl.

You do look so like the real John Howard.

I am the real John Howard.

Yes John I agree with Karl you look like him a lot.

Downer are you kidding me after all our times together.

Downer you remind me of the real Downer, but the hair is longer.

Karl come on man it is me.

Karl when you were a boy; did you want to be police commissioner.

Why do you ask Lester?

Because you resemble the real police commissioner.

I am him.

Yes Karl and I am Napoleon.

Actually Karl you look a lot like Napoleon. I studied history at school and the resemblance is amazing.

Nut’s to you John.

Nurse nurse.

Yes Karl.

They do not believe I am the police commissioner.

Look if you do not pull your heads in I will pull them in for you.

Nutters.

What was that nurse?

Just thinking to myself.

Pack of nutters.

Nurse did you say there were nuts for afternoon tea.

Quiet please, not too much noise.

Boys I have the mobile phone. Jarvis said be quick. He wants the phone back in five minutes.

Thanks Henry.

Use the toilet; it’s more private.

I will; back in five.

I wonder who John is really ringing?

Probably his mother; ha.

You know John does not believe I am the police commissioner.

Ok come on Karl we have had enough of that one. Give it a rest; ok buddy.

What’s your problem Downer? You are probably some plumber from Fremantle. Foreign affairs minister, that’s a tall one.

Hey I rang Teddy my chief of staff.

Well John, is he coming to free us.

No.

Why not?

Teddy said there was a snap election last week. There is another government in. Teddy is been investigated. Something to do with taxes. He said he has got to lie low at the moment until it is all over.

How long will that take?

He said he’s flying out to Libya tonight. It might take years.

Oh no. Our life line gone.

What are you doing Karl?

I am praying; what is it to do with you?

Praying. You going all religious on us Karl. Come on pull yourself together man. We need to stick together.

Oh Karl, what did you pray for?

God to free us.

Look we need better ideas than that. Come on any one. Downer?

I have none. My brain feels pickled. It is all that medication. I can not even think.

Same for all of us. I can not think or remember much now.

That Kim is PM now.

I bet he is behind us been here. Just wait until I get out.

I have an idea.

Yer, Lester what is it?

We start by hands on the table. All together hands on hands as a sign of unity.

Downer your hand down first.

Forget it John. I am foreign affairs minister I can not be on the bottom.

I am PM and I order you to put your hand down on the table.

Ok ok; there.

Karl come on you are next.

I am police commissioner and I am on top.

Karl I will tell the nurses that you are saying you are police commissioner again. Remember the lock up.

Ok ok here’s my hand.

John you now.

Lester “who do you think I am”? I am PM.

Yes John and I am micky mouse.

Nurse nurse.

Yes Lester.

John is saying that he is PM again.

Did you say that John.

I am PM and nurse if you do not watch your step I will order Karl to charge you.

Look John you are out of line.

Code red! Code red!

Now you are in trouble John.

Why Downer?

You don’t know!

No.

Grab him.

Leave me alone I am the PM.

Put it in.

Karl Karl help me, call your boys from the station.

He will quieten down now; the medication should take effect soon.

John John.

Leave me alone I am tired.

Put your hand on Karl’s.

Ok ok, there it is; You win Lester.

Last of all my hand on top. There. Now all we need now is divine assistance.

Boy’s and girls meet your new patient; God.

Ha ha ha; God. This place is looney.

Shut up Madonna. Sip your tea and be quiet.

God you go and join that table over there and stay out of mischief.

Thank you nurse.

Come on go. I have things to do.

Yes sir.

Hello God my name is John I am the PM.

This is Lester, Downer, and Karl.

Hello all.

What are you in for God?

Me. Oh I got a call from Karl to come and help you four.

Ha ha ha. That is so funny God.

What’s funny about it Downer?

Sorry I did not mean to offend.

No offence.

Pull together boys.

What are we going to do Lester?

God can you help us.

Sure can. What do you want?

We want to get out of here.

Easily done. I will just call my Son.

Ha ha that is funny, call your Son, I expect you mean Jesus.

Hello everyone.

What? Where did you come from? Who are you?

I am Jesus.

Son have you arranged everything.

Yes dad all is AOK as you asked.

Good. Nurse nurse.

Yes God.

We all at this table want to leave the hospital.

Sure thing God. Now has everyone taken their shower today.

Nurse did you hear me.

Shut up God and lighten up.

Oh, hello Administrator; I did not see you there.

That’s ok Charlie; how is the wife and kids?

Fine sir.

I have the documents filled out and signed by me for the people at this table to be released.

Ok sir as you say.

But that is Jesus I thought.

Quiet John.

How can the Administrator of the hospital be Jesus?

Golly stranger things must happen.

You calling me strange John.

No Jesus. Sorry

Look boys just walk out now. Go go.

Ok God. Come on boys.

Lester you do not really believe all that god stuff. Get a handle on life. I say we vote a new leader.

I am PM so I will be leader.

Oh no not down that path again.

Come on let’s follow Lester and try the God stuff.

Boy’s, your taxies are waiting outside.

Thank you thank you nurse.

What about our stuff?

The drivers put all your private possessions in the taxies.

Boys out, move!

Yes nurse.

Hey four limousines. I bag the front limo.

No John I am the foreign affairs minister and I have to go in front because of my importance with the foreign dignitaries.

Shut up Downer I am the PM, you pull in to line or there will be no dignitaries.

Oh ok.

I should go in the first limo because I am the police commissioner and I wear a uniform.

No no Karl, I am thinking that we have to tighten up the police budget on uniforms. Too much expense on braid as I see it.

Oh you spoil it John.

So it’s me in the front limo.

Hey hey stop!

That smarty Lester is taking off in the first limo.

Karl help me. Call your boy’s.

What boy’s? John.

The boy’s in blue; who do you think?

Too late he’s gone.

You are not helping Karl. Call yourself police commissioner, I bet you are just a sales assistant in a shop. I should have you up for impersonating the real police commissioner.

John John cool it.

Look I am off; you two can fight it out over the third limo.

Karl I am taking this limo; I am foreign affairs minister and I am of a more higher authority then you.

Balls; I have the uniform and I do a better job than you.

Toss for it.

Ok.

Heads.

Heads it is. See you Karl.

Driver.

Yes sir.

What is your name and where are you taking me?

James sir and I am taking you to your home.

No no. I want you to take me to my office in Canberra.

You do not have a office in Canberra sir.

I am the PM and I demand to be taken to my office in Canberra.

Sir I am just putting up the security window between us; mind your fingers.

Look James who are you working for? Is Kim all behind this. Rotter. I knew it. When I was at school with him he blamed me for taking his lunch.

Did you take it sir.

Yes I did, what of it.

I work for God sir.

God! The world is going bonkers.

Sir, pick up please.

Oh, a phone how nice.

Hello, John here.

Kim oh hello.

What’s going on Kim? You just wait. I will get you.

Calm down John, is everything ok.

Ok you call this ok after that hospital.

Kim tell this driver to drive me to my office in Canberra.

John hello; Mildred here.

Mildred, golly it’s so nice to hear your voice.

Mildred I was kidnapped; me Karl and Downer and some no hoper called Lester.

Kidnapping, noo, I was told that you were at a hush hush conference some way a way.

No way Mildred, I was in a hospital.

Never mind come home John, I miss you. Your retirement has been plasted all over the news.

Retirement what, never. I am PM.

Come home John, I have plans. I have booked a four week cruise.

Downer; James get me downer on the phone.

Sir it’s a conference call, all your friends are already on line listening.

Downer can you help me.

Sorry John; Kim is PM now. I am off to Paris tomorrow as the Australian consul there.

That just leaves you Karl, can you help.

Sorry I am back at my job tomorrow. I had a ring from Betty my secretary and she asked me how my secret hush hush conference went. I just said it went well.

Lester are you there.

Yes John.

Where are you going?

God knows.

You mean you do not know where you are being taken.

I said God knows and he is sitting right next to me along with his Son Jesus.

Can I speak to God .

Sorry John no, you think about what you just said, bye.

Lester Lester.

James get Lester on the phone please.

Lester who sir? I do not know a Lester.

The Lester in the first limo.

There is and was no first limo sir.

Downer Downer. Is he gone too James.

No sir, his limo is now getting out of phone range.

Mildred.

Yes dear.

At least there is someone.

Your driver told me that you are only a few minutes from home.

Where are we driver?

In a Sydney suburb.

I do not know this area.

Your wife just bought a new property this week.

Here’s the house sir.

What? it’s only a duplex.

Sorry sir but we had a share market collapse a week and a half ago and the major banks collapsed. I understand that all your savings were in one of those banks. You do have your government superannuation sir.

Out you get sir.

Oh dear.

What is it John? Come in to the house.

But it is only a duplex, I can not live here.

John this is our new home now, just relax, I have turned the kettle on. Alfred rang and so did Beth. The children are concerned about you. You are now officially retired, it is all over the news.

Rotter. Operator get me the PM’s office.

John put the phone down! John!

Hello PM’s office.

John Howard here I want to speak to Kim.

Sorry the PM is in the debating chamber. He will not be available for some time. After the major debate he has a meeting with the foreign ambassadors; then talking to the media, it goes on, can I help you sir. Are you there, hello.

John get off the phone; you should not interfere in matters that are not your business.

Don’t worry Mildred I hung up.

Here we are nice cup of tea.

Mildred that Kim out smarted me.

Nothing of the sort darling; it is all in your mind.

We leave tomorrow on a cruise around the world.

But I thought that we had lost all our money because of the banks collapsing.

Not all darling; I had my savings.

Where did you invest your savings dear?

In this big cookie jar in the kitchen; this one, see.

Amazing. Truly amazing.

Why dear? My mum always did the same with her savings.

Forget it Mildred, a bit more sugar please.

You calm now John.

So what am I now to do with all my life?

Leave it all in God’s hands dear, I am sure he is looking after us. Cruise first, then we will see.

Dear what are you doing? Tired are you.

No Mildred I am praying to God.

That’s good dear.

One last call. Operator can you get me Mr Downer the new Paris Australian consul.

Hello, John Howard here.

Good evening sir my name is Henry and I am the consul’s assistance.

Henry that you from the hospital.

Oh golly it’s you John; hi.

How did you get that job Henry?

All I can say is that God works in mysterious ways.

Can I speak to Downer.

Sorry John but he is in the chapel.

Chapel, what chapel? you do not mean chapel chapel.

Yes I do John.

Look John I have to go, Downer wants me in the chapel.

You too Henry.

Afraid so John, bye.

Bye Henry.

Mildred please turn the T.V on.

Good the news. Hey there’s Karl. He looks good in his uniform.

What’s happening dear?

Nothing much dear; just some nonsense about Karl and the church.

What is it all about John?

Karl talking about the merits of God for people especially for the woes of the youth at the moment.

John; I always did think Karl was a decent person.

He probably is but I still think his wanting to go in the first limo was a bit too much.

What was that dear?

Nothing Mildred, just thinking.

I am turning in; you come in when you are ready John.

Ok dear.

Do not be too long dear.

Cruise tomorrow.

John John.

Yes Mildred. Mildred did you call me.

No John, come to bed you must be tired.

John.

Yes Mildred.

What is it John?

Did you not call me Mildred.

No John. Please.

Sorry Mildred; you sleep dear I will be in shortly.

Yes God.

John I was a thinking; we are friends are we not.

Yes God.

You keep in touch.

Will do God.

Coming Mildred.

About time.

Kind regards; Lester John Murray.

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