Hitler

[Home of Hitler named the “Berghof” in the municipality of Berchtesgaden in the Bavarian Alps]

Eva dearest can you pass the chippies.

I am busy.

You are always painting your nails. Please dearest pass the chippies.

[Knock, knock]

Gobbells can you get the door.

[Door opens]

Heil Hitler.

Heil Hitler.

What is it?

We have to talk to Hitler.

Can’t it wait?

We are on urgent Nazi party business.

Ok what is it then?

Heil Hitler.

Heil Hitler.

Well what is it?

Heil Hitler.

What is it? Speak man.

We are from the Jewish Affairs Ministry.

Oh you are from Berlin how nice how is the weather there at this time of year?

The weather has been fine. Heil Hitler.

Heil Hitler.

Sir we have to inform you that blood that was taken from you by your doctor was sent to our Ministry.

Who gave your Ministry permission to have my blood?

You did sir.

Me; how is that?

You gave an edict that all doctors should send a specimen of all patient’s blood to our Ministry.

Ok you have my blood. Look I am busy at the moment just leave my blood with reception downstairs.

Heil Hitler.

Heil Hitler. Well go on leave.

Sir we have some news about your blood.

Can it not wait?

Sir we have to inform you that your blood has Jewish in it.

Jewish in it what are you saying?

You are part Jew sir. Heil Hitler.

Heil Hitler. Not me. Not a Jew.

You are a 40% Jew. It takes you over the threshold of .01% that been our standard measurement for a Jew. This measurement is for purposes of Jewish policy.

And what is that policy?

Sir you made the policy.

Remind me.

Jewish policy is that all persons with a blood count of .01% or more of Jewish blood are to be incarcerated.

There must be some sort of mistake.

No mistake. Guards handcuff and take Hitler to the lorry down stairs.

Gobbells help me.

[Gobbells thinks to himself – he himself may have Jewish blood he keeps silent reading the newspaper]

Eva help.

[Eva thinks – is there any Jewish in me?]

Gobbells! Eva!

[Guards take Hitler away]

But I am Hitler. What you are doing is criminal.

Heil Hitler.

[Hitler is given an injection to sedate him]

[Hitler falls asleep]

[Eventually the lorry reaches a train station]

[There are many train carriages and there are many people in each carriage. The people are in carriages that are usually used for cattle. There is only standing room because the carriages are each packed full]

[Hitler wakes up he is inside one of the carriages. People are crying out for water. The train is going at top speed]

Where am I?

Hello sleepy head decided to wake up; ha.

Where am I?

What does it sound like?

I am on a train.

And not first class. Where have you been for the past few years?

I need water.

We all do.

Call out to the staff.

Do you think we have servants?

Who’s in charge here?

Look matey I think you were better of asleep.

I need water.

You sure you don’t want a cup of nice warm tea.

That will do milk and one sugar.

Hello my names Hans who have we here?

I am not getting any sense out of him he wants a cup of tea.

This is criminal. They are treating me like a criminal.

That’s Hitler for you.

I am Hitler.

Oh were you named after our glorious leader?

You are German?

Sure am.

And they do this to you?

Sure do.

Call the staff, please tell them that I am Hitler.

Look matey a joke like that will cost you your life. Those weapons the guards carry are not broom sticks.

I am Hitler.

[Hans thinks – the poor guy has gone out of his mind]

[Eventually the train comes to a stop]

Mr Hitler wake up!

Where are we? What is all that shouting and dog barking?

Snell!! Snell!!!

[The carriage doors are opened dogs bark guards shout]

Snell!!! Snell!!!

Come on Hitler get out or they will shoot you.

[Hitler and all the other people get off the train]

[A guard hits Hitler with the butt of his rifle]

[A German SS officer calls out over a megaphone] Move through the gate this is your new home all males go to the right woman and children to the left.

This is criminal.

Shut up you.

Take all your clothes off.

Come on Hitler you do want to live.

[Hitler and everyone else are naked]

[The SS guards hose everyone down]

This is criminal.

Heil Hitler [Officer].

Heil Hitler [Guards].

I am your commanding officer. This is your new home obey the rules.

[The prisoners are escorted in to barracks]

This is criminal. There is a Geneva Convention on the treatment of prisoners.

Hitler it might not be wise to use that name.

Why not? I am Hitler.

I do not think the SS guards will warm to it.

[Two SS guards meet each other just outside Hitler’s barracks]

Heil Hitler.

Heil Hitler.

[Mean while back at the Berghof]

Gobbells what are we going to do about Hitler?

Eva I have no idea. Are those men from Jewish Affairs still here?

They are in the town.

Hey just thinking about it I have urgent business in Switzerland.

Me too I must see an aunt who is sick.

Is she in Switzerland too?

Yes.

Heil Hitler.

Heil Hitler.

Where have you been Himmler?

More to the point where is Hitler?

Oh him.

Come on he has the Third Reich to run.

Uuuum Hitler Uuuum he will not be with us for some time; like never.

Never! Why on earth not?

The Jewish Affairs boys have been here.

Look I have to go.

You too Himmler

[Himmler thinks – do I have Jewish blood]

Urgent business.

In Switzerland I presume.

Since you bring it up; yes.

Heil Hitler.

Heil Hitler.

[Back at the concentration camp]

[Hitler is on his bunk trying to sleep. Lice and fleas are all over his body]

[A guard walks in to the barracks]

Rouse!! rouse!! Who wants to be a volunteer?

I do [shouts Hitler]

Come with me.

[Hitler is put to work putting dead bodies in to the ovens and cremating them]

[The war comes to an end. USA army soldiers repatriate the prisoners]

[Hitler lived through all the carnage]

[The news reports that Hitler committed suicide in the bunker in Berlin]

[Apparently the Nazi leadership used a double to impersonate Hitler]

[Hitler is committed to a Mental Asylum and spends the rest of his life drugged up]

[Hitler eventually believes the Asylum staff that he is not Hitler]

[Hitler gets run over by a car and dies while on an outing from the Asylum]

Kind regards; Lester John Murray.

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