It’s never too late to Learn

Ohhh my head ohhh my head.

Wake up!


Wake up!

What happened?

You crashed.

What my car.

Nooo you crashed silly in bed.

Who are you?

Apparently from our talk last night I am your 3000th.

3000th what?

3000th bird.

Oh my head you are making no sense to me.

The rates the same as last time.

What rate?

Don’t worry I have your wallet, you left it on the floor; I will take my money and go.

[Woman leaves]

[Knock knock]


Room service sir can I come in.


Sir had a good time last night?

Yes my girl friend was around and we watched a movie on television and had a few drinks.

Sir does not have a wife?

Did have once but she left and took me for all I was worth. I don’t believe in marriage after that. What’s your name?

Maria sir.

Nice name I have known quite a few Maria’s in my time.

You have alot of friends Jack?

Not exactly just girls I have met in bars.

Sir the room is finished; I will be back tomorrow [door closes].

[Jack thinks] My head! I do not feel like I slept at all. Must go back to bed got to sleep. Ohhh my head my body must turn of my thinking got to sleep now my drugs. How many do I take? Can not remember; where are my reading glasses? Nope can not find them; 3 will do, no 5; ok 5 it is. Now how many did I take? What was it? I just took them; why can I not remember? Take 2 more just to be sure. Come on sleep come upon me. 3000th bird!

Ring ring [phone rings].

Yer Jack here.

Maisy [Jacks publicist] here Jack just a few things to get your feedback on.

Shoot Maisy.

Your comment to the press Tuesday just gone that you had loved 2999 girls is that still stand or was that comment off record and not to be confirmed by you or me as your publicist.

Yes its true Maisy apparently my 3000th girl was last night and it wasn’t cheap. Confirm it to the press.

Also the comment about you writing your memoirs including in it about all the women you have loved is that official.

Yer Maisy it is.

Must fly Jack.

Bye Maisy.

[Jack thinks] Can’t sleep; must go for a walk. [Jack gets dressed and goes walking in the park outside].

People you are doomed; doomed! Doomed to damnation!

[Jack thinks] Please not one of these prophets of doom.

Hello fella you want to know God.

Look son I am old enough to be your father; hop along and do some proper work.

But sir you are doomed to hell.

One more crack out of you and I will call that constable over there to move you along.

Doomed doomed; ok I am going.

[Jack sits down on a park bench next to a young girl].

Hello little girlie; what are you up to?

Mum! Mum!

Coming Sandra; what is it?

Mum this man is trying to chat me up.

Disgusting you should be ashamed of yourself. You dirty old man. If you don’t leave I will call over that constable over there and complain.

Hey hey no offence I was only saying hello. I am going.

Shame on you and at you age; you are old enough to be Sandra’s grandfather.


[Jack returns to his hotel room]

[Jack thinks] I am so lonely; lonely; lonely. I wish Ma and Pa were still alive. I wish I had listened to them more. Now it’s too late; I am doomed.

[Jack holds phone] Operator.

Yes sir.


Dave it’s me Jack.

Hello Jack can’t talk at present at my youngest child’s birthday. Catch you another time.



Yes Sir.


Max it’s me Jack here.

Hi Jack look you have caught me at an awkward time; my wife’s in labor I am in gown and gloves at the hospital ring another time got to go ciao.


Yes Sir.

Are you busy at the moment can we talk.

You mean you want a number.

Noo talk.

About what?

What interests do you have?

[Phone goes dead].

[Jack thinks] Dirty old man; who does she think she is? True I am no saint, but who is? I know I will ring my daughter Glenys. Operator 4567895643.

Putting through.

Glenys is that you.

Yes who is this?


Mum! Mum! It’s my father.

Can’t you talk to me Glenys.

Give me that phone Glenys. You f…… b…….. Where are my alimony payments? You b…… one call in 10 years you f……

[Phone goes dead].

[Knock knock]. Newspaper sir.

Come in leave it on the table.

Well sir like some lunch brought up.

Yer bring a couple of sandwiches up.

[Door closes]

[Jack opens up newspaper] The headlines – ‘Jack Mikkkleson loves 3000 woman’.

Jack falls down.

[Knock knock] Sir your lunch [knock knock] sir!

[Knock knock] Security here sir please open up.

[The door is opened].

Call the ambulance.

[Jack wakes up in hospital] What happened?

You had a heart attack sir. Would you like to talk to the chaplain?

I am not ready to speak to a priest.

Who is?


O hello Padre.

Nurse I know Jack from way back we were at school together.

Hello Jack.

Hello Ron.

You want to talk.

You have been asking me to speak to you on and of for as long as I have known you.

Well Jack.

Yes let’s talk.

[Jack talks and talks] [Ron listens for 2 hours straight as Jack unburdens himself of all his wrong doing] [Finally Jack finishes talking he goes to sleep and has his first decent sleep in 50 years].

Sleep well Jack.

Yes nurse like a baby.

Chaplain asks if you would like to attend his service in the chapel midday.

Tell him yes yes.

You have a visitor.

Hi Jack.

Hi Maisy.

Jack on the way up here I dropped in at the chapel and saw your old school chum Ron. I gather that you won’t be writing a book about all the ladies that you have loved.

You have it right.

My book will be about my second chance life. Just as people say a cat has 9 lives I too will write about another life this been my new second life.

That’s great Jack. My second life started for me when I was 15 years old. It’s never too late to learn.

Visiting hours are over Miss Jack needs plenty of sleep.

Bye Jack.

Bye Maisy.

Kind regards; Lester John Murray.


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